It’s been just a few days shy of a year since I bought Thomas, and the year has turned out to be nothing like I originally expected.

On Tuesday Thomas went to his new home with a young professional. I’d convinced myself over the summer and early fall that I was going to keep him; he was too nice of a horse, and I knew he had so much potential.

But after riding him for five days once I was physically and mentally able, I decided he’s just not for me. Maybe it’s something I communicated to him, but he was still nervous when I went to get on, despite being fine with my friend and Dusty, so that was it.

In the end, with me riding alone most nights, I just didn’t feel it was the right decision to keep trying. If I had more experience with different kinds of OTTBs and green horses and help every day maybe I’d feel differently.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Bear recently and how easy he was at just 3 years old when I got him off the track. He was just the total opposite of Thomas, who’s sensitive, but then fairly simple on the flat. Maybe something happened in his previous life that contributes to his sensitivity, and combined with my distrust of him, it makes for a bad combination.

I feel a little put off by Thoroughbreds directly off the track now, which sounds silly, but this whole year has made me just a little more aware of my own mortality. I also just don’t have the experience, or the time frankly, with travel and also riding and competing Oh So. One thing that I felt was really missing was being able to spend a lot of time with Thomas. When I first got Oh So and Bear I had them at home, so I learned their ins and out and saw them multiple times a day.

I know most adult amateurs board their horses and face the same challenges, but I think Thomas needed more time than I could give him.

Maybe I’ll save for a couple of years until Oh So is ready to retire and then buy something that’s already been started like he was, but I’m just never going to be able to afford a going horse.

It just feels like this year was a colossal waste of time and money, and that sucks. I haven’t had dozens of horses over my lifetime, so I get pretty invested in the ones I have, and none of them have ever not worked out in this way. It’s a weird and demoralizing feeling, to be honest. There’s a lot of what ifs–what if I hadn’t come off, was this my fault, what’s he like to go cross-country, how would he have handled his first show? I just didn’t get to experience all that fun baby stuff after the work I put in in the beginning.

But I’m happy he’s found a rider who seems to adore him, and I’m excited to watch their progress. He looked really good when I saw him go with Dusty, and I feel like he’s just on the cusp of being ready to compete this spring; I just kind of wish it was me in the saddle.

People have been telling me, you learn something from every horse, and I guess I learned the hard way what the right horse is for me.

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